It's hard to believe I haven't seen my youngest brother Mario in 13 yrs. I haven't been to my mother's house in over 7 yrs. My brother had a bout with drinking and drugs and I tried to get him into  a class for help back in 2006 but my mother said 'he didn't have a problem'. She was in denial with the situation. I believe she just wanted to keep him at the house regardless of the problem.
You see my mother had 9 kids, 8 of them with my biological father then one with my step father after they divorced. I was probably 3. There is a lot of history there that points to the possibly of her not wanted to be alone and I don't think she wanted that at any cost. You see she sent my oldest brother, Junior, to live with our dad in Texas when he was 15 yrs (1984) because he was experimenting with marijana and I can only imagine being a challenge teenager to basically a single mother. Because first step father didn't really want anything to do with us. Then my sister, Leticia left when she was 16 yrs old. (I believe that really broke my little brother heart since she raised him since he was born he was only 3yrs). My next brother Roy moved out when he was 15 yrs old and the following brother, Roque left when he was 14 yrs. I felt left behind and abandoned for many years. But now I realized, they left in order to survive. I left when I was 14 yrs because I could not take the abuse and erratic behavior from my mom. She wanted to throw me a quinceanera for me that I felt like we could not afford solely for outward appearances, so I left.  I tried to stay in touch with Mario and take him out to Boise State games with me so he could see there was more out there then Homedale. My older sister, Alicia, had done that for me and it helped. But after I tried to get Mario help for his drug problems, my mother called to tell me to never call the house again because Mario didn't have a problem. I told her that if his whole paycheck was going to drugs, that would constitute a problem. But she wouldn't hear it and my brother just asked me to leave him alone. I was hard decision but my relationship with my mother was already shaky so I didn't want to cause any more issues with my brother.
Fast forward 13 yrs latest sister, Linda (who still lives close to them in Idaho) tells me that Mario wants to see me at the upcoming reunion. He says it might be the last time I see him because he doesn't want to do dialysis anymore so if I want to to see him alive I better come. I already struggled to make the decision to not come since my uncle, my mother brother Paul, would be there and he molested me when I was 4-5yrs old was going to be there. My mother never believe me and called me a liar and still does to this day. I should probably say that that my mother has only called twice in my live 1) was to tell me to leave my brother alone that he didn't have a problem and 2)  To ask me to take that same uncle out he in Seattle and show him around. I was pregnant at the time and told her I couldn't take to her and had she not remembered what he did to me. That exact point and racked my brain for one memory of smiling at me or a loving moment. I even called my sister Alicia to ask if she had one. She said yes and I told her I didn't  and had been thinking about it for 2 weeks but I made the decision to stop pretending everything was ok and until she acknowledged what happened to my family extended as well she would not meet Sofia.
I told Mario I would see him but not at the family reunion and would come a week earlier and he could meet my husband and Sofia if he want to. So I drove up the next day 8 hours and he called to meet. He wanted me to come to my moms house where he was living and I told me I couldn't do that and asked me why. I told him what happened with my uncle, my mothers favorite, and he came out to Frosty Palace there in Homedale to meet us.
He told me he didn't know. He pulled and and got out of the car. It's crazy how much Mario looks like my mom. We caught up exchanged pictures Facebook information of course and I started to cry. I was so emotional. I apologized for leaving him and telling him why. I don't know why it took so long to reconnect. He told me to stop crying, that it was suppose to be a happy time but I just had to tell me and explain maybe if it was only for me. Mario also me Earl and really like him. We hugged and said goodbye. He text me later to ask me when I had told my mother about my uncle. I told him it was the last time it happened at our family friend's house that he was dating at the time. I had screamed during the night because he tried to do it again and I was tired of it happening and just wanted to stop. I was 5 yrs or so. He probably asked my mother and she denied it again. Text had come in at 11:30pm but I told him he should talk to Josie, she was the adult there and ended everything with Tio Paul.
I found a lot of his drawing he used to send me from jail and took a picture of them and sent it to him and he told me his hand hurts now and we hasn't been able to do that any more. Aye chiquito. Life is crazy.

After coming back form Bali and being resolved that I may not be a mother and that having Jameson maybe be the closest thing to being a mother/adult/better bosus parent, he'll have or that I've ever had. I want a different experience. I started training for another competition and guess what? I'm pregnant! Go figure and was nervous the whole time about telling anyone but I'm beginning to show so. And also I am moving studio's! One in Beacon Hill and over with Eli at Excellence gym on Aurora. This had been a whirlwind of a year so far. Thanks Cassia Herman, you were so right!!!

I figured I should probably write about this since a Youtube video last week helped me move through my loss.  The video was about a woman who was going in for a 7 week pregnancy ultra-sound check up: She talked about her fears since the last time she went in for the same thing, she had gotten some bad news... there was no heart beat. 
Her emotional experience became mine this past week. My husband and I went in for our first ultra sound. We were to see my ob doctor afterwards. The woman was looking for something she clearly could not see and she turned to me to say she was sorry but she couldn't find a heart beat and she had to do some measurement for my doctor. I lost it. I was supposed to be 9 weeks along, but measurements were showing the baby had only developed up to 7.5 weeks. I was devastated and heart broken. How could this be? I had fallen in love with this little thing for the last 4 weeks only to find out that it was gone?! That was really hard for me to take in. My mind immediately went back to losing my brother almost five years ago. It's crazy how when you're happy you want the whole world to know, and when you're sad you want to hide under a rock!
I've come to find out the chances of having a miscarriage at my age are 20-35%. And no matter what age you are your changes are still 15%. No one knows why. My doctor said with all the medical advances done now a days, miscarriages are still a mystery usually caused by a chromosomal abnormality within the first 13 weeks of pregnancy. The last thing you can do is blame yourself for any of it:  that last run, that dip in the hot tub, anything. Your body just went through a spontaneous abortion (which is the medical name for it). Or just rejected it.
I was a wreck. I'm still a wreck sometimes. I would like to fast forward this part of my life like they do in the movies. It hurts so much. When I talk to some women I hear that it is so common and they themselves had had one or someone they knew has had one. Almost all went on to have successful pregnancies and amazing children.
Of course it doesn't lessen the blow but it gives me strength to move forward. To take in every step of the process and to mourn. But most importantly to keep trying and just pray for the strength every day. For myself for my family to heal. I have the faith and I do know that it is hard to be a woman sometimes! But it does bring great joy. I look forward to reading this in a year or so and to be at a different space in my life!

I couldn't wait for this time of year to come so that I could say goodbye to a dark winter time!  I had an ulnar osteotomy November, flu in December and an appendectomy in January. No joke, I could barely keep in together in December.  I was still thinking I could possibly compete, I got knocked to my knees.  I don't even know how I ran the business and took care of my family.  Oh wait, I do know: The business ran itself and my family took care of me.  My sister came and made Thanksgiving dinner at my house, my husband took care of helping me dress and shower and Jameson helped keep my spirits up.  And if you know me, you will know that this was a horrible and humbling time for me! From nationals in Pittsburg one minute to having my bone cut off and a plate and screws put in the next month.  I still look back and believe it.  To make matters worse, my thumb didn't work when my soft cast came off in December so I spent the rest of the month going to nuerologist, radiologist and getting MRIs to figure it out.
But one thing I learned from all this, is that I have to slow down and live life, not let it engulf me. Like my girl friend said, "Some women burn in the fire and other women are built in the fire." I learned that my training changes forms and that my goals must be altered.  You can have it all but you have to be ready for it. Now I am spending time getting ready for it.  I welcome taking a break from competing and I look forward to the possibility of becoming a mother.  I am ready to accept it.  My schedule has definitely changed and my gratitude has become so real.  Spring is here!

February marks a new month of showing love to yourself and your body. Your body is fabulous because you are fabulous and unique. On a micro level: our body's blood cells, skin, even our bones rebuild themselves on a daily basis. Regardless of what our brain chatter may tell us, the only thing we are in control of is giving our body the proper ingredients it needs to gain strength; proper nutrition and exercise, and rest to recover on a daily basis.   You may not know this, but after having ulner osteotomy surgery back in November and being in a cast for 2 month, you see what happens to your body when you aren't able to give it one of the ingredients. My wrist forearm wrist and upper body has changed. It has given an opportunity to work on my mental/spiritual outlook and growth but also has taught me empathy towards people who are limited in any sort of way by their body. I can now relate to them on a personal level and support them through that time.
Thank god I had the support I needed and the community of family, friends and Fuerte.  You are not alone!!

 

Life is so ironic.  This summer I trained Emily, who was not a big runner, to do Ragnar Relay.  Let me give you some background:  Ragnar Relay is a team relay race that starts in Blaine, Washington and finishes on the South end of Whidbey Island. It is a 200 mile course that you split between 2 vans of 6 people and you each have to do a leg that is anywhere between 2.5 to 9 miles. So some people end up running 22miles. Emily had a hard time in her second leg, which was also her longest (8 miles) so I decided to run with her a bit to cheer her on. She turns to me and says, "I am going through darkness right now and this sucks and I want to stop." Emily, who had never run more than 3 miles in her life,  is now running 8 and the last four are uphill.  She is a cross fit athlete. She's pretty fit, but conditioning has never been her forte. That was the reason she was training with me. Emily finished her leg and actually made pretty good time.  Through that experience I have learned that everyone has got to work through their darkness....the unknown. It could be an injury like ACL (Anterior Cruciate Ligament) related injuries, which are among the most common knee injuries. It could be going through pregnancy for the first time or it could be a birth defect that has recently started causing problems.

I have to work through a birth defect.  I have a abnormally long ulna which has caused a tear in the cartilage in my right wrist close to my pinkie finger. (TFCC Triangular fiber Cartilage Complex). It started off as an annoying click in my wrist when I did yoga and has evolved into not being able to put my seat beat on with out pain. Now remember, I have spent 4 years doing one arm push ups and hand stands to even being suspended on my left wrist in my fitness competition.  Now I'm sitting in front of a orthopedic surgeon telling me that the only solution is to cut my ulna in the middle and remove 2 mm and fuse my bones together.  Which means I will be in surgery one day, in a sling for 9 days, and in a cast for 8-10 weeks.  Oh, and the way I will have two titanium plates and screws holding my bone together until the bone grows back together.  Then I'll have another surgery to remove them. 

I sat in my car for 20 minutes and cried after my appointment.  How could this be? I just competed nationally less then two months prior, I am at the peak of my career, now it's getting good and I'm benched. I'm still crying now with the thought of whats to come. Thanks god for me being around people who have taught me that's it's going to be ok. It took me a long time to write this blog because I didn't know how to put into words what I was feeling. But now I know it's ok. This is my sign to slow down and work on other departments of my life. I have seen some of my clients recover faster then the doctors and physical therapist gave them.  I have seen them go through their ugly and make peace with themselves. But I am finally surrendered.
 
I went and got a second opinion as well and heard the same thing, I still cried, in front of the doctor this time. But he put me at ease by telling me that if he hadn't seen me now, it would have been 10 years from now. Being active just brought it up a lot soon and my recover speed is faster now than it's going to be 10 years from now.
I share this with you because there are some of you that put me on a pedestal and see me so far away from you. But you have to realize that everyone has their shit to work through. Sometimes its longer and sometimes it's a quick decision to let go and realize you are not superwomen. So thank you for all your prayers and heart-felt energy!  Peace and light to all of you! Come see me if you feel like you're in your ugly, I'll support your journey too!

Since my last post I've competed at the nationals in Pitsburgh, IFBB North American Championships.
I feel more comfortable on stage and better hitting my poses right away.  I felt more like a professional. I didn't know anyone. That was the first time I've competed was my alone (w/out my friend competing too).  My roommate was a friend of a friend.
I left there so encouraged.  I have a new friend in Atlantanow and joined Dream Quests team and made improvements in my placings.
But I told 4th in my age group and 6th over all nationally.  I decided not to the Florida because it's not long enough to make the improvement I need to make. I'm excited to work on the off season making minor tweeks to my physic and more readiness mentally. Competition helps solidify why I'm in the career I am in.  It's a mental game and there are components that really matter when you changing your physic and training. For instance, 1. being ok with being 10lbs. heavier on the off weight can ready blow your mind and keep you from making the changes that you need for the following year. 2. Staying on top of your eating and replacing the extra cardio you were doing during season with spending time catching up on what you missed such as..taking long baths going for walks around Greenlake, and hanging out with my husband, son and friends. 3. Training differently-stretching the muscles that got neglected because of time, hot yoga, and fun classes like belly dancing.

After 10 years of competing, I believe in seasons, there are times and places for everything.  I have to staying account with someone or a group of people simply for my focus and clarity or reminder of goals.  Give yourself what you need or you will never feel fulfilled and most important love those in your life around you like my husband and family they are with me in and out of season.

Finally.  It’s finished and up!

I started this website awhile ago as a way to help document writing my book on my personal story/ fitness journey and how to help other on their own journey.  I figured, if I put down a few words every day it would help me have clarity in the message I want to get across.  Which is:  Everyone can start a project, it may be a pulse sometimes,  but the goal is to always have it before us you and me and has to be worked on it consistently for it to come into fruition.
 
So here it goes:
Right now I am finally settled into my marriage. It's been a year and 2 months.  I'm in the middle of my training/competition season. Which means I competed in one national level show through the National Physique Committee, NPC USAs Figure Nationals, July 27, 2013 and I'm going to do the NPC North Americans in Pittsburgh in about 3 weeks. I'm so close to achieving my Pro Card and my husband and trainer both support me. I'm also a bonus mom and run my own business training people/operating a personal gym. I'm so excited, have learned so much, and it's now just a matter of showing my confidence on stage, running your own business and being efficient.
Competition is only against other people when on the stage. Really it's about being better than I was yesterday in whatever way I want to be.  Whether it's in my own health, my home life with my family & friends, or professionally at work and in my industry. I like to keep harmony in my life and if it works I'll do it.  But if I am killing my self to make things happen, I have learned to let it go. So wish me luck because here I go! Three more weeks!