Her emotional experience became mine this past week. My husband and I went in for our first ultra sound. We were to see my ob doctor afterwards. The woman was looking for something she clearly could not see and she turned to me to say she was sorry but she couldn't find a heart beat and she had to do some measurement for my doctor. I lost it. I was supposed to be 9 weeks along, but measurements were showing the baby had only developed up to 7.5 weeks. I was devastated and heart broken. How could this be? I had fallen in love with this little thing for the last 4 weeks only to find out that it was gone?! That was really hard for me to take in. My mind immediately went back to losing my brother almost five years ago. It's crazy how when you're happy you want the whole world to know, and when you're sad you want to hide under a rock!
I've come to find out the chances of having a miscarriage at my age are 20-35%. And no matter what age you are your changes are still 15%. No one knows why. My doctor said with all the medical advances done now a days, miscarriages are still a mystery usually caused by a chromosomal abnormality within the first 13 weeks of pregnancy. The last thing you can do is blame yourself for any of it: that last run, that dip in the hot tub, anything. Your body just went through a spontaneous abortion (which is the medical name for it). Or just rejected it.
I was a wreck. I'm still a wreck sometimes. I would like to fast forward this part of my life like they do in the movies. It hurts so much. When I talk to some women I hear that it is so common and they themselves had had one or someone they knew has had one. Almost all went on to have successful pregnancies and amazing children.
Of course it doesn't lessen the blow but it gives me strength to move forward. To take in every step of the process and to mourn. But most importantly to keep trying and just pray for the strength every day. For myself for my family to heal. I have the faith and I do know that it is hard to be a woman sometimes! But it does bring great joy. I look forward to reading this in a year or so and to be at a different space in my life!